What Are Your Intentions?

I know May marks the grad season part of the year where young (or old) hopefuls finally receive their diplomas, degrees, certificates, and other pieces of paper honoring their hard work, blood, sweat, tears, and money. Can’t forget about money.

I believe undergrad college grads have the most pressure on them compared to any other graduates. Undergrad college grads get hit with the dreaded question. This question is asked by everyone, everywhere, at any time. You can be in Wal-Mart just trying to grab the new flavor of Häagen-Dazs ice cream, at the gas station trying to get $20 on pump 4, or at church trying to get your praise on and the question is bound to come up. What’s the question you ask? The question is the oh so dreaded: “So, what are you doing next?”

I hate that question so much it makes my ass itch like you have no idea. Seeing my friends go through the “So, what are you doing next?” phase of the post grad life makes me feel so bad for them. When they come to me asking how did I deal with it, the first thing I say is, “What are their intentions?”

A lot of people that ask the dreaded question are not even asking it because they are legitimately concerned. They ask because they are miserable, nosey, and usually bums themselves. It’s up to you to decipher which shoe fits the person that is asking the question.

For example, if one of your close friends or even one of your Mom’s close friends ask you “What’s next?” they are most likely asking because they are really concerned. You should tell them the truth. If you have no clue, maybe the can help you sort things out.

On the other hand, if the girl from high school that was always mugging you asks you “What are you doing now?”, her intentions aren’t good. If the messy old lady that sits on her porch all day collecting more mess than a dumpster asks you “So what are you doing next?”, her intentions most likely aren’t good.

I remember when I graduated all I got was “So you’re moving to LA next right?” “You’re about to start working for Kim huh?” “Will you be Kim’s assistant or work for Jenner Communications?” It put so much pressure on me that I wanted to run away from it all and I decided to move to Houston. Don’t be like me and run away from it. Tackle it head on and tell people to mind their damn business.

Always remember that some people want to see you doing good, but NEVER better than them. Be mindful of who you tell your plans to because they can very well damn you before you even put one foot in front of the other. Before you give a response to the dreaded question, ask your self, “What is this person’s intentions?”

Logging out,

Myleeza

“Myleeza…are you…okay?”

Sup all my myleezakardash.com readers. I know y’all have been feeling hella abandoned since I stopped blogging on my site. If you pay close attention to my Twitter, I also don’t tweet that often or I go on long, random breaks without tweeting. I know my Snapchat is private, but I hardly post on Snapchat and only watch celeb’s snaps. Oh and I stopped fucking with Instagram a while ago so who cares about that. haha Lots of people, including my pal Kim, has asked me “Myleeza, are you okay?” Most people have noticed that I haven’t quite been myself the last few months or weeks. If I tweet, it’s rarely about Kim. It’s usually advocating black people seeking help for mental health issues. The truth is that I myself have been struggling with my mental health. I’ve been fighting it for years and as of late, I’ve been getting my ass kicked.

Since high school, around 2011’ish, I always felt…worried. Small things worried me. Small things kept me up at night. Small things prevented me from fully living my life. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. My friends would call it “The Myleeza Mood”. My mom just said I had bad nerves and that it was hereditary.  I thought to myself, “but what does having bad nerves mean?” I used to write about it in my senior memory book. I wrote that I worry about things that most likely won’t happen and if it will happen, it won’t happen until I’m like 45. I never knew what that fear of the future and that “what if” factor was called until my first year of college. I found out that it was called anxiety.

I battled anxiety throughout my first year of college without seeking medical attention or therapy. I just figured it was something I could “shake off” and “live with”, which I did until my senior year of college. Then this beast, this monster, this evil feeling that I won’t wish on my worst enemy kicked it. Its name was depression.

Now before you chime in and say “Omg! I feel depressed too!!” I want you to understand something. There is a HUGE difference between feeling sad and feeling depressed. Feeling sad is when a relative passes, when you gained a few pounds, when you failed your final, when your hair didn’t come out right, or when you missed the game winning shot. Sadness lasts only a few days , a week or two tops, and you usually know why you are sad. If you do go through depression during these examples, it’s considered situational depression.

On the other hand, systematic depression, oh man, systematic depression is something way more serious. It’s way more severe. It’s way more mentally crippling than anything I’ve ever gone through. Depression is when you literally cannot get out of bed; not because you’re lazy or tired. It’s because mentally you just can’t. Depression is when you become completely uninterested in the things you once loved the most. For me, I hated being on Twitter. I hated making y’all laugh with my tweets. I hated being Myleeza Kardash. I hated being around people. I didn’t want to go out with my friends or go home to my family. Depression is the feeling that you’re fucked for life. It’s that small voice in your head saying there’s no coming back. That voice screams to you on a daily that your best days are gone and nothing but sadness and sorrow is ahead of you. Depression makes you feel worthless, like a burden, abandoned, alone, and incurable. Depression makes you sleep all day and stay up all night. But it’s not a good stay up like your best friend’s slumber party when you were 12. It’s a bad stay up when your mind is racing with the craziest thoughts and you’re kinda afraid to sleep. Depression is sickening. It changes you to the point you don’t know who you are anymore. What makes matters worst is seeing all of your friends, family, classmates, sorority sisters, and everyone else go on with their lives and you are mentally stuck and mentally drowning. You don’t want to seem jealous, but in the back of your head you say “I wish I could be you.” or “I wish I could live a regular life like you.” You ask yourself “Why am I this way?” It’s like when you were little and you saw all of your friends playing outside, but you got in trouble at school so you have to stay inside and just watch them play. They live their lives, while you suffer. You want to scream. You want to cry. You want to rewind your life. You want to talk to your friends for hours about how you feel, but you don’t want to scare them. At the same time, you don’t want them to brush off your illness like it’s just a common cold. You want them to check on you, but you don’t want to seem needy. You want to see them, but just not right now. You feel so lost, confused, and contradicting.

Anxiety plus depression is one hell of a mixture and I’ve been dealing with it. Only about 4 or 5 of my closest friends and relatives know about what I’ve been dealing with. I don’t tell people about it. Why? Because I am…embarrassed. I’m ashamed. I’m humiliated. I feel weak. I feel vulnerable and fragile. I feel ungrateful. How can the girl that had it all is so sad all the time? And this is a clear reflection of the struggles of being black with a mental illness.

Black people, well at least most southern black people, don’t believe in talking about mental health. It’s not their fault and I don’t blame them at all. For decades, our race was taught to suck it up. We had to suck it up because

1. Not trusting the medical system

2. Not being able to afford medical costs

3. Believing that going to church or saying a prayer will relieve all of our mental issues.

4. Thinking mental issues are “white people problems”.

Mental health is such a taboo in the Black community. My people fear being labeled as “crazy” to the point they would seek help in secrecy, like me. I begged my mom not to tell anyone how I was feeling or what I was going through. I told my 3 closest friends that I would kill them (joking) if they told anyone. We get so embarrassed and fear being called “weak” that we drive ourselves crazy.

I thought about Kanye and how every time he does anything, the first thing people scream is “He’s crazy” or “He’s a lunatic”. Even though he often speaks about his dealing with depression and anxiety, people still call him crazy when he publicly suffers with it. I didn’t want to be the next person that everyone labeled as crazy because I’m suffering from an illness that I can’t control.

People also mistake mental illness as something you can shake off, pray off, sleep off, go to church about, but you can’t. I believe in God as much as the next black southerner, don’t get me wrong, but God gives us resources to make us feel better. Why would I not take advantage of those opportunities because my pastor is preaching about how Jesus turned water to wine? You know? You wouldn’t expect going to church will heal a broken leg so why go solely so it can heal your mental problems?

Then I started to feel guilty. I feel guilty that people literally wish to have my life, yet I feel like I’m wasting it. But I had to stop thinking like that. I let y’all see only what I allow y’all to see. Like I always say, you don’t know me. People think since I know Kim pretty well or because I’ve experienced such amazing things that I don’t supposed to have problems or that I’m supposed to be happy regardless of the issues I’m going through. As I stated before, I love Kim SO much and she’s been good to me, but Kim can’t fix this. My mom can’t fix this. My friends can’t fix this. Only me, my belief that God is with me, and my medication can help me feel better.

I’ve been on medication for almost two months now to try to regain my strength and take control of my life again. It’s not easy. It’s hard. I give up every day, but I try to keep holding on. I’ll feel better for a day or two then I’ll feel terrible for a week straight. It’s weird. It’s so exhausting, but thankfully I’m starting to see progress.

I’m writing this not for attention and definitely not for pity. I’m not writing this for a million random messages all of a sudden checking to see how I’m doing. That’ll really freak me out. (seriously, don’t do this) I don’t want you to baby me or feel sorry for me. No need for super long text messages.

What I want you to do is seek help if you’re dealing with a mental illness. I want you to teach your kids that it’s ok to talk about their mental struggles and tell them that there’s no need to feel ashamed. I want you to check on your friends and family on a regular basis just to ask how they’re doing; not via Instagram comment or tweet, but by picking up the phone, asking them out for lunch, or having one of those good ole in the car conversations. I want you to slow down and take life in. I want you to love harder and be kinder to others. Spread positivity to a stranger or to someone you notice is not quite being themselves. You never know what battle someone is fighting. You could be a hero and save a life without even knowing.

As someone with a social media following and some what of an influence on people, I wanted to use my platform to share my story so people, especially Black people, will no longer feel ashamed of the battle they are fighting. If I’ve touched one person with my story, I’ve done my job.

I want to personally thank the few people that noticed that something wasn’t quite right with me and stopped to call and check on me. Thank you Mom. Thank you Joiya. Thank you Stasha. Thank you Mya. Thank you Cherese. Thank you Twitter fam. Thank you Reotta. Thank you Kim Kardashian-West. I love all of you so much. You have been a light through all of this.

Always remember: Grow through what you go through. God is with you forever.

Love and light,

Myleeza

PS: But foreal though, don’t write me a bunch of long messages feeling sorry for me. I’m writing this because I found strength, not seeking pity.  K, bye.

Myleeza’s Music

If you follow me on Twitter, which you should btw @MyleezaKardash, you know that I’m ALWAYS sharing songs that I’m currently listening to. The share button on Apple Music has to be the best invention ever. Here are 10 songs that I currently cannot stop playing! If you haven’t hear them, go listen!

1. Migos- Bad and Boujee (I dead ass listen this song 5x a day. Gotta skip it when Lil Uzi verse comes on though)

2. Tiffany Evans feat Ciara– Promise Ring (BOP OF ALL BOPS!!! You gotta do a lil two step when this comes on. It was a simpler time!)

3. Future- Turn On the Lights (Ughh this reminds me so much of college! Good times!)

4. R. Kelly- Feelin’ On Yo Booty (Ya’ll was probably made off this song.)

5. Kelly Price- He Proposed (My friend Reotta got engaged on New Years Eve and this has been my shower song ever since! haha)

6. O.T. Genasis- Push It (The beat drop in the song is crazyyyyyy!)

7. J. Cole- Power Trip (J. Cole is trash, but this song is golden like Blanche, Sophia, Dorothy, and Rose you hear me baby!)

8. Jeremih- Paradise (Ever since this song was used on the video for Kim’s site, I cannot stop listening to it!)

9. Hezekiah Walker- Every Praise (If you are in need of a spiritual uplifting, listen to this song! It does the trick every time!)

10. DJ Luke Nasty- OTW (Perfect for those light night creeps.)

Logging off,

Myleeza

It’s Necessary

What’s up ya’ll! It’s hella late and I should be sleep, but a few days ago I randomly got this Jimmy Neutron type brain blast that I had to share with ya’ll!

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So, my new year is off to a rocky start (*long sigh* I think I brought some of my bad luck from 2016 over in 2017), but as I started to feel sorry for myself and started thinking the world is working against me, this quote came to my head that really makes sense. The quote was:  “Your current struggle is temporary, but necessary.” I popped up out of my sleep and started to look around because I’m like WHERE did that come from? I was like 10 seconds from slinging ‘ish around my apartment out of pure frustration, then out of nowhere, that quote came to my head. LOOK AT GOD!

Now, you can break it down and decipher it however you want, but what this quote means to me is your struggle that you’re currently battling and those demons that you’re currently fighting is only preparing you for what’s ahead and what’s in store for you. It’s such a comforting feeling knowing that what you’re going through is not being used in vain. It all actually has a purpose.

Personally speaking, the situation I’m going through is that…well…I’m spoiled. I’m not a Hillary Banks, type spoiled, but more of a “I’ll try this, but if I don’t like it, it’s okay just because my Mom said it will be okay.” Does that make sense? It’s like my Mom is my safety net and as soon something doesn’t go my way, I jump and use that safety net with no hesitation. It’s so annoying and I’m trying to break that habit, but it’s hard! Like really, really hard. #FirstWorldProblems

Anyway, around September, my Mom found this song on Facebook by Fantasia called “It’s Necessary”. The song basically says that God makes no mistakes. He’s actually using your struggle to make you even better, greater, and stronger. My Mom and her best friend, Mrs. Taylor, would sit on the phone for hours and talk about this song. My mom would always tell me about it, but I’m not a big Facebook person, so I never fully listened to it. Sadly, Mrs. Taylor passed away last month and this is the only song that is getting my Mom though this rough time. Now every time I hear this song, I think of my Mom and her best friend and also me and my current situation.

I know. I know. The struggle is real. Literally everyone is going through some type of struggle, but just know that all of this is necessary. Ya feel me?

Logging out,

Myleeza

Just….Realizing Things

Last night I was in the shower, also know as my “Realizing Things” zone, and I had this Jimmy Neutron type brain blast. I realized that people will not like you over things that you cannot control. One more time, people will not like you over things that you cannot control! This quote holds very true for my life and especially my life as Myleeza Kardash.

Growing up, my mom was a single mother to my two older brothers and I. She was a Pre-K teacher making way less than she deserved. We lived in a small trailer in rural Louisiana. We weren’t dirt poor, but trust me…we were broke. My mom struggled taking care of three kids on her own with only a mediocre teacher’s salary. She always would tell me, “Things will get better Myleeza. We won’t always have to live like this.”

My mom bossed up, went back to school, and got like 10000 degrees. Next thing you know she moved up to Pre-K Coordinator, then Pre-K Principal, now she’s a School Board Supervisor.

With a better job and trying to wash away my memories of our struggle days, my mom would buy me everything from like 7th grade-12th grade. She even bought me a Range Rover for my high school graduation!

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When I got to college, she told me that I didn’t have to work while in school. On the other hand, ALL of my college friends had jobs. They would always tease me about being this “lazy, spoiled brat” and it really used to hurt my feelings. They didn’t know about my struggle growing up in a trailer or me seeing my mom cry because she couldn’t afford to buy me the latest Christmas toy. It wasn’t my fault my mom told me not to work. They were mad at me over stuff I could not control.

Now this get even more intense when it comes to life as Myleeza Kardash. People get in their feelings over every little thing I do and I can’t control ANY of it. People get upset when my followers tell me that they love me, that they look up to me, that they wish they were me, or if they give me any type of compliment. I can’t control that these people love me or look up to me. Why are you upset? You want some love?

People get upset that I may do an interview here or there, that Kim always does dope things for me, that I get to chill with Kim every now and then, and that we’ve built a relationship that’s stronger than just fan and celebrity. I cannot control any of those things. Why are you upset? You want my spot?

Now, since I’ve been verified on Twitter, people get SUPER and I mean SUPER in their feelings because I have a blue check by my name. I mean I get everything from “You’re not famous.”, “What did you do to deserve that.” “Remember you’re just a fan.”, etc etc. Please understand one thing, I DO NOT GIVE AF ABOUT THAT CHECK. Being verified does not pay my bills. It does not get me a job. It does not rub my ass at night. It does not bring me closer to God. It does absolutely nothing but sit there and make you mad. I did not ask to be verified. I did not ask Kim to tell them to verify me. I cannot control that I’m verified. Why are you upset? You want a blue check, too?

With that being said, I want all of my readers to realize that people will dislike you for no reason at all and especially for things you cannot control. People dislike me because my mom always will provide for me, that so many people love me for who I am, and of course because of the relationship that I built with Kim even though I cannot control any of these things. Like Boosie said in one of his songs, “You don’t even gotta have shit and they will still hate on you.”

Logging off,

Myleeza

Welcome Back Kim!

After 3 long, dry, and vigorous months, the Social Media Queen has returned to her throne! Today Kim posted a beautiful pic of Saint, North, Kanye, and herself on Instagram and Twitter with the caption “family”. The picture currently has 2.8M likes on Instagram and 81k RTs on Twitter.

Kim also posted a beautiful video on her website and app full of clips showing us what she’s been doing while on her hiatus. You can view the video on www.kimkardashianwest.com. I really hope she starts back doing personal posts on her app. I mean the take overs and stuff are cool, but ya know…it’s just nothing like the real thing.

I’m happy Kim is finally starting to post on social media, but I wonder how much and how often is she going to share. She posted one picture and we’re all jumping for joy, but will we ever see snaps of her and Kanye vibing to music in the car again? Will we ever see more of her famous nude selfies on Instagram? We make consider Kim being “back” and she probably just said “Lemme post this picture so they can chill out for a minute.” haha

However, at this point, I’ll take anything she decides to give us. Welcome back Kim. Boy, have we missed you!

Logging off,

Myleeza Kardash

What I Learned in 2016 Is…

The year has finally come to an end and boy what a year it has been! 2016 has been a year of struggle, growing pains, life lessons, but most of all growth. I’ve grown so much as a woman in this year. I handle problems better, I see things clearer, and I make better choices. What I learned in 2016 is….*Spongebob voice*

1. Your tribe determines your vibe: This quote basically sums up my 2016. The people that you surround yourself with really determines your vibe, the way you think, your outlook on life, plus more. In college, I had nothing but turn up friends. You know, those friends who could tell you where the party was, where the alcohol was, what the tea was, ect. As I got closer to graduation, I changed my circle and who I surrounded myself with. I started hanging and talking to people that had five year plans, organized long term and short term goals, positive energy, and encouraging conversations. Slowly but surely, I turned into a different person and I’m so happy I did. I still love my turn up friends, but I had to leave that alone to get my mind right.

2. You may lose friends and that’s perfectly okay: Lawddd this was the hardest thing for me to accept this year. It was so hard for me to be okay with losing friends while I was finding myself. The more and more I started to grow and evolve as a woman, the less and less I had in common with some of my closest friends. They wanted to talk about the mess and tea, I wanted to talk about moving and starting my career. They wanted to talk about where the loud pack was, I wanted to talk about life and other aspirations. Soon I noticed I stopped contributing to conversations and I even stopped being invited to things, and that’s okay.

3. Pay attention to the people who don’t clap when you win: You ever accomplish something so big in your life and you’re just waiting for your phone to blow up with “Congratulations friend!” texts and calls, but you get nothing? Been there. Please take note of the people who don’t show you love and support when you accomplish something big. After I did that interview for “This Morning with Phil and Holly”, I was waiting for people in my life to congratulate me. I got nothing. After I chilled with Kim at the Pablo show, I was waiting for the “YASS BITCH” texts. Nope. After I graduated from college, I just knew there would be hella people there to hug me. Only my family was there, which I am thankful for. This year, I started keeping note of the people that don’t support me when I win.

4. God laughs at us when we make plans: When the year started, I just knew I had everything planned out. I just knew during my last semester in college, I would start to get my life together then I would get this amazing email from someone on Kim’s team telling me they want to hire me fresh out of college. After that, I just knew that I would graduate from college and move to LA starting out making like $60/70k all at the age of 21. Needless to say, that didn’t work out. haha What I realized is that I need to slow my ass down and take life a step at a time. Rome wasn’t built in a day and Myleeza can’t take over the world in a year.

5. Everything does not deserve your energy: Toward the beginning of the year, I used to be in the middle of so much shit. I felt like I had to comment and put my two sense in EVERY conversation and conflict. My friend Reotta told me, “You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to.” After she said that, something just instantly clicked. Everything does not deserve your energy or attention. That shit will drain you so much to the point you are mentally exhausted and you need a nap. Be very selective choosing what you want to give your energy to. Your energy is sacred and not everyone deserves it. Protect your inner peace and euro step pass the BS like Rondo.

I hope everyone has a blessed and beautiful 2017! Feel free to use these 5 things in the new year. I promise it will help you tremendously!

Logging off,

Myleeza

 

 

 

Ask Myleeza Pt. 11

Damn Myleeza, back at it again with the questions! You can ask me whatever you want here.

1. are you sexually active?

Why are ya’ll so interested in my sex life though? lol

2. Were u able to speak to Kim recently just to because y’all are like bffs?!?

No, I’ve spoken to Steph tho.

3. Who are you’re fav Khloé Stans ?

I answered this already. Check it out My Favorite Fan Accounts.

4. What’s your take on Drake and Rihanna’s “relationship”?

I don’t really care, tbh. lol I loved Rihanna with Chris Brown. Is that bad? 😦

5. Do you and Steph communicate a lot through emails?

No. I mainly talk to the Whalerock team and Steph is CC’ed on the emails sometimes.

6. Khloe follows you right? Have you and her ever talked through DMs?

Yeah she does and no I haven’t

7. Do you have a bf?

Nurp. Hook me up with somebody.

8. Do you watch the Walking Dead?

No. All I watch is Full House, Cops, sports, Golden Girls, and the Kardashians. Not really a TV person.

9. How does Kim smell?

Like money. I kid you not.

10. What advice can you give to students on their last year of college?

Have a plan. Apply for jobs. Don’t fall into the hype of graduation, focus on what’s going to happen afterwords. Please perfect your resume. Delete all your drunk and high pics from your social media.

11. What was the first message Kim ever DMd you?

She asked me what seat was I sitting in for the Yeezus show.

12. Have you lost relationships with people because of Kim?

Umm…no. I gained a lot of people that claim they know me, but it’s all love. lol

13. How is Kim at the Yeezy concerts? Is she on her phone most of the time?

No! She is really like a fan at the Yeezy shows. She’s always snapping pics and singing lyrics. She hardly ever sits, but when she does it’s only for a brief second.

14. Have you ever given Kim any thoughts/ideas on potential new Kimoji’s? I feel like some of them are based on moments/photos that you often tweet about.

Yep! All the time.

15. Do you know who runs the Myleeza’s cheeks account? Is it you?

I have no idea who that is and it’s starting to creep me out a little. I appreciate the love, but it’s kinda crazy now.

16. Beyhive or Navy pick one

Navy.

17. What song that Kanye performed on the Saint Pablo Tour got you the most hype while you were at the show? Blood on the leaves was lit

Freestyle 4 or Touch the Sky

18. do you think Kim comes on Twitter and looks at her TL but just doesn’t do anything on it ? 🤔 anyway, it’s so dope to see you doing good and I see why Kim loves you. your attitude is dope! I genuinely hope life is good for you cause it’s always cool to see good people succeeding.

Yeah I really think she does! Thank you! I appreciate that!

19. How you deal with bad thought/anxiety?

I used to deal with it in the worst ways in college, if you know what I mean. lol But now, I really meditate. I come home and I sit in silence with my stress relief candle lit and I just refocus and reclaim my positive vibes. It’s been working so far. I also talk to my friend Reotta at least twice a week. I don’t know what I’d do without her.

20. Opinion on Bey and Jay?

Big Pimping by Jay is in my top 5 favorite songs of all time. Bey is dope.

Ask me more questions!

Logging off,

Myleeza Kardash